Thursday, October 18, 2007

Said good-bye to FH man.

I am sad. We might meet up in L.A. or Rome. Who knows. He leaves tomorrow and we had lunch today.

(Okay, I am not making this up. Al Green's "Tired of Being Alone" just came on my iPod. I think I will go slit my wrists now.)

FH and I talked about his break up with his ex-wife. I get why he is not going to be in a serious relationship any time soon. It was a brutal split for him. Personally I don't know how anyone comes out of a situation like that and not be bitter or closed off.

I starting thinking of how we read people. Because of his looks and all his traveling, food, friends, music interests, I thought he might be a player at first but he isn't at all. He is actually from a small Canadian city, down to earth and while extremely flirty is kind of traditional. I don't think he knows how other people (esp. women) see him. He was with his ex for a long time, so he has been out of the dating scene for a long time. To hop back in at 37 when you thought you were going to be with your best friend for the rest of your life, most be difficult.

I remember a conversation I had with my friend's fiancee. She left L.A., moved back to New York City and met him shortly thereafter. He is Swedish but has no accent. People assume he is very well put together American (ha). I asked him what surprised him about living in the States. One thing he mentioned was dating. He is in his late 30s. The women he went out with here were under tremendous pressure to get that ring. He said back home, people go out in groups a lot and once your relationship is serious you have a pretty strong foundation. He felt it was the reverse here. People get very serious quickly before they really know each other. They put very high expectations on the relationship that most cannot meet or sustain.

I think he has a point. I wonder why I had a moment of "what is going on here?", I mean I just met him a few weeks ago. I had some friends saying to me, "you need to close the deal." Really? Why? Anyway, I had fun, he said he enjoying getting to know me and going out.

BTW, we went to Beer Bistro on King Street. He had this butternut squash ravioli that was amazing. They have a very wide selection of beers and offer pairing suggestions on the menu. My beer was excellent, of course I can't remember the name.

(Now U2's "Beautiful Day" is playing. Someone is messing with me today.)


Tina said...

I have noticed that a lot here too, the "you need to close the deal" thing... it's like wait, I'm just getting to know this person! Hold on here! Not that people can't move fast and have success, but I know what you mean.
I got involved with "the PorteƱo" last year when he was 37 and fresh out of marriage that had ended rather badly. It took more of a toll on ME than I realized and so I have recenly chosen to go my own way, at least for a while. He still needs to heal and I need to get back on track with my own dreams and desires.
That stuff is hard isn't it.
I'm sorry you're sad :-( If I could I'd be right there with a bottle of wine and big giant bar of chocolate.

gibber said...

So, under the category of easier said than done:

Don't be sad sis. This trip has been just what you needed for many reasons. For one, it reminded you that there are cosmopolitan cities where diversity is welcome, you can actually walk it, and you can get good beef patties. Secondly, it reminded you that you are a very beautiful, funny, smart, engaging and attractive woman. And while fools in LA are all looking for Halle Berry, the rest of the world is looking for YOU. Third, it showed you that you need to get the fuck out of LA. Fourth, it has given you the motivation to move to Italy and follow your dream of speaking Italian full time :)

Fifth, you've spent a large chunk of time working on a movie set with very cool actors, in a very cool city in what looks to be a very cool movie. Not many of us get that experience.

So, you'll be sad for a while (hell, i used to cry when i came home from summer camp). But focus on the future...and meeting up with FH man in Roma!

nyc/caribbean ragazza said...

Tina - Grazie, I was going to buy some wine but there is no bottle opener in this apartment. Maybe that is a good hang over tomorrow.

gibber - Thanks sis. I think the one two punch of saying good-bye and going back to L.A. made me sad. I am going to try and focus on the good things, like my trip next month.

Liz said...

So true! There's a ton of pressure to get super serious waay too fast here. But I also see the reverse where folks have been dating for five years and I'm left wondering what they're waiting for. Just get married already!

J.Doe said...

If anything the trip made you end your 'strike' and that's good!!

Wanderlust Scarlett said...

I'm glad that you enjoyed the dance while it lasted.
Brava bella!

Butternut squash... I'm completely distracted now. Hm.

It's been way too long since I hung out at your beach here, missed it. Mid-terms will do that - OY can I tell ya...

But, I wanted to drop by and invite you to Sognatrice's birthday party at my page!
It'd be lovely to have you there.

Best of luck.

Scarlett & Viaggiatore

Giulia said...

I'm a firm believer that one's destiny awaits them one way, or another. Whether that person waits around to let it happen or whether they chose to make it happen is totally up to them. Don't wait around... make it happen! I honestly think you need to leave LA. Even if things don't work out for you in Italy (which I hope they do) don't ever go back to LA! A sweet person like you doesn't belong in a place so full of vanity. Strength and courage will carry you through your life's next journey. I wish you multitudes of both!

nyc/caribbean ragazza said...

Liz - ha...I don't get that either unless the couple doesn't believe in marriage.

j. doe - that is true.

wanderlust - thanks for the invite. I will be there.

giulia - thank you. that is really kind of you to say.

Anonymous said...

tracey k/ohio: [dabbing eyes w/tissues] - I'm sad, too! I feel like I just read a good romance novel that is ending. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. This was a good post & all the other posters had were right. I'm so sad, I cant even comment! (LOL!) Hang in there, sister!

Delina said...

Aw. Hope you're feeling brighter, and I hope that you get to meet FH man again.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I'm sorry you guys had to say goodbye. Maybe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship? You can't have too many friends. And I agree about the "close the deal" thing - we DO jump in to fast. One of my exchange daughters is from Sweden, and from what I see of her and of all her friends, what your Swedish friend said is right on target.

sognatrice said...

Virtual wine and chocolate here as well...and some leftover birthday cake if you're interested ;)

Kataroma said...

I can kind of understand where your Swedish friend is coming from as it's kind of similar in Australia. Basically you hang out with the guy you have a crush on in a group - he says things like "would you like to come to the pub/the movies with me and 4 of my mates this Saturday?" and you think "he likes me, he really likes me!" :) Then, eventually, once you know eachother and eachother's friends/family you both get drunk and snog. Maybe you even sleep together. And then you're a couple. None of this "are we girlfriend/boyfriend?", "are we exclusive?" stuff like in the US.

What kind of horrified me about the NY dating scene (I seriously felt like they should give out flyers on all these dating "rules" to single foreigners when they arrive at JFK!) was that you'd go on all these high pressure dates with a guy and you didn't get to meet his friends, family etc. Then (according to my girlfriends) somewhere around date 3-5 you were meant to have "the talk" in which you set out that you were "exclusive". WTF? And you were meant to snog him but not sleep with him (before date X) or he'd see you as "easy". What is this, the 1950s?? It's almost like a legal contract or something - what about feelings? Of course you're exclusive - you've kissed the guy, maybe even slept with him - if he's still going out with other women then he's a big sleaze!

Then, fast forward from "the talk" about a year - the guy is meant to propose and present you with a big, expensive diamond ring (thereby probably helping to finance a bloody civil war in some African nation) and the next day at work you're meant to show it off to all your workmates who go "oooh!"

Meanwhile, I've been with my boyfriend 3.5 years and (shock, horror!) we're not married. BUT we've had a joint account for around a year now, have lived together for 2 years, and are planning kids and mortgage. But some of my US girlfriends still act like my boyfriend is some kind of giant commitment-phobe and people say things like "get married already!" (sorry, Liz) Why? So you know what our status is?

I guess I see a certain amount of pressure to conform relationship-wise in the US which I don't get here in Italy (apart from from the Catholic church but I ignore that) and I didn't get so much in Australia.

So - glad you enjoyed your flirtation with FH guy - and glad it was just a flirtation --as you're moving to Rome and you don't want anything (or anyone) to stop you! May there by many other FH guys in your future! :)

I agree with Giulia - destiny awaits. :)

nyc/caribbean ragazza said...

tracey k . - I'm hanging in there...thanks. Planning my trip next month, helps a lot.

delina - grazie. I hope so too.

jen - you are so right...we can't have too many friends.

sognatrice - grazie mille. Since those items are virtual I can eat as much as I want and not worry about calories. :)

kataroma - I agree with you 100 %. I don't get the whole rules thing. It's funny you mentioned meeting the family and friends. One of my close friends in Los Angeles has a serious boyfriend and I did not meet him until a YEAR into the relationship. We had dinner once. I really don't know him at all. They have not met each other parents (whom they are close to) and have been together for almost 2 years. This is seen as perfectly normal.

Is it any surprised that the American divorce rate is so high? I caught the end of some show about brides-to-be buying their dresses. Everyone is going on and on about the dress, the rock (the bigger the better), how about focusing on the marriage itself.

Maybe because my expiration date has passed (according to American dating rules, esp. here in L.A.), I don't care about having a big ass ring on my finger. Diamonds are pretty but unless you know for sure it's not a conflict/blood diamond or from De Beers, I'll pass. I would like to have a man in my life that cares and loves me. If it leads to marriage great, if not that is cool too. Life is about the journey.

. . . moscerina said...

I think that there are two sides to every coin. As much as I did not like the US dating pressure, i noticed a big difference from NY friends ("So WHATS THE DEAL") to my LA friends ("So how many guys are dating now?"). In Italy, I have seen casual hanging out develop into strong relationships, but I have also seen a very casual attitude towards fidelity. I have friends that have been in relationships for 8, 10 years, and even though they had the choice to exit, they stayed-- until they couldn't take it anymore (the insecurity, the lack of commitment) , the lack of seriousness. Likewise, I know other couples that have been happily together for years without the "need" for a ring or license. I think it all depends on what YOU want and how you view a relationship.

No matter where you go, you'll find the same patterns, themes, trends. I think its timing.